Nellie the dog or Lion

Heres an original. mortimas

this story by, Lynnette Dewalt (my creative wife)

Hi, my name is Nellie. Cute I know, but I'm ferocious! I own five humans. I know it's a lot to take care of but I'm also in charge of our Wild Kingdom in my house. I've trained a dog (some kind of white poodle), 3 retarded cats, and a bird. Thank God the Bird lives in a cage. That's where I prefer him to be anyway. All he does it talk. Kind of annoying to me but he stays out of my way. My humans are always looking in something when they brush their hair or teeth and even when they get dressed. I keep wondering why they are looking at a shiny wall, they call it "the mirror". I know all about this cause 4 of my humans are girls. They are always in front of it. If I could see in it I bet I would be right about how big I am. The leader of my humans is called "Mom", she reads these pages to the ones they call "kids", and I've seen my picture in those pages a thousand times. Let me tell you all about me. I'm the King of the Jungle. Well in my case the "Queen" I'm a girl. I hunt, I lead, and everyone bows at my feet. I'm the most famous and most honorable beast. Everyone loves me. When I bark they respond. I've seen myself in the movies. Very popular in my humans life. They call it "The Lion King" Yes you guessed it. I am a Lion. Now that my humans ordered the biggest mirror in my house I will now go and see just how awesome I am. How exciting, for now I can see me out of those paper things and off of TV. Here goes...............WHAT! You mean I'm that little thing in all the frames in my humans house? That little tiny dot you can hardly see? What were my humans telling their friends again? What name did they call me? Oh my goodness I remember now. I'm going to faint. I can't breath. This can't be! I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm what you call a "Dachshund!" And MINIATURE at that! This can't be! I'm the ruler of my world! I guard my Kingdom! I've trained retards for crying out loud! AGH! OK wait a minute. Just hold on. I can see myself, but yet my humans and my wild Kingdom still think I'm "Queen" Maybe this isn't the biggest disappointment in my life. They see the lion, I see something very, very small. Cute, but small. I bet no one will ever notice. Ok I'm just going to take a deep breath and strut like normal through my mansion living room. Doing well. No one suspects anything. No one is saying anything different. People still bowing at me. I get it now. This is a joke. My humans actually pulled a fast one on me. They put that moving picture of a miniature Dachshund in the mirror as a joke. Oh, how funny was that. I'll get even with them a pull a fast one on them. Oh those humans just crack me up. Funny they are.......Hilarious! I know what I'll do then. Something I haven't done in a long, long time. Where are those new shoes my male human just brought home yesterday. I'll get him good. Who's the joke on now buddy? Huh? Your going to chase me? I still have your shoe! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Author: Nellie Bellie Baby D.

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Nellie Bellie Baby D. "Dummies guide to training Humans"

I do Love my humans very much. Lately though I don't think we are on the same page. I require a proper amount of sleep. What Queen doesn't? I'm in my deepest sleep dreaming about me being the next "Ameridog Idol" when the loudest, most destructive noise interrupted me being announced as the winner when singing "Who let the Cats Out?" I just love that song. Anyway, the noise. Why now? Why during sleep time? Why EVER? They have this tool in the house that sucks things up! A lot of things. I have to be careful and make sure my toys are always on my bed when I' m done playing with them. I'm afraid that if I didn't they would be sucked away forever. I did try and do something about this the last time this happened to me (yesterday), but the human Dad must have magic fingers. I admit I chewed on the cord. I took my punishment good. When they called me to their "big sucker" I stayed right there. Although I should have paid attention when they were talking to me, I didn't. I missed something. I'm really sorry. I have had a one track mind on my singing, my vocal range and getting my beauty sleep. While they were talking to me I was singing "Jesus take the Wheel." My humans go to church and I hear it a lot. Has a nice meaning to it to. So to sum things up for you my singing career and winning Ameridog Idol means a lot to me. Proper amounts of rest always makes for a more confident performance. You have to be your best always. Especially in front of Simone Howl. He's the brutal dog on the panel. How can I possibly get across to my humans that the sucking device is a great aggravation to me? I've seen those Dummy books to read so I am wondering if there is one for training humans. And fast. I'm already in Doggiewood, Catifornia. I'm not ready to be sent home now. I want to WIN! And still the noise goes on. I give up, that thing is still running and sucking everything in it's way. That's it. I'm attacking it! This sucker is not going to get in my way!

P.S. Dear Diary one more thing to add. Even when I chased it and barked really mean, it didn't stop. I can't get across to my humans of what I think of "The Sucker" but if I keep doing this when they turn it on maybe they will get the hint. If not I can always work on the cord again.

Author: Nellie Bellie Baby D.

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Nellie Bellie Baby D. "Are they out the door yet?"

Humans are leaving today. I always know when they are because the "Mom" human is putting the shoes on everyone. Boy do I like shoes. But when they have to put them on that only means one thing........it's time to play when Mom's away. HA..HA..HA! The sad thing is when she walks out the door there's no telling what can happen. The last time they left the cats and I were flying through the air, jumping here and there. I love chasing those retards. The humans think we are friends but when we are alone it's War. I can out do them anytime. But lately I feel as if they are trying to get me hurt or more seriously....killed. When they said to me "Cats can fly, dogs can't", I couldn't just sit there and agree. Oh I was so glad that day when my human walked in the door. I got kind of scared. I was about to jump off the top bunk bed. I don't even remember how I got up there. But today is the day I have to prove to the 3 felines that I can do it. And I'm mentally prepared to do whatever I have to . In other words I'm going to have to fake an injury. I would be as stupid as they are if I tried something as retarded as that. I could break a nail (my whole body). So I have figured if I tell them I have to do a few practice jumps first to warm up then I will be able to fake my injury well enough to get them off my back and still say that "dogs are better than cats, but more fragile." Ok their pulling out of the driveway and dumb, dumber, and dumbest are staring at me singing "I believe I can fly." Here comes the torture. Ok felines lets do some warming up first, don't want to pull any muscles. Right? And one and two and three. Oh, no, I think I broke my leg.....really.........look at it.....it really hurts.......OW,OW,OWW! Cats tell me that "dogs are so weak" and they walk away. Whew! Great, now look what I've done. Now I have to fake this injury all day or at least until the humans get home to give me the sympathy I don't deserve. Sometimes they are gone FOREVER. I have so much energy to. I don't want to lay on my butt all day and do nothing! But at least I'm not jumping off of the Eifel tower in the other room paralyzed or dead. Boy when you weigh what could happen I guess laying around all day is looking pretty darn good. I'm going to stick with the poodle and watch TV. What was that noise? Cat screaming? And the other two retards are laughing. Stupid cats will do anything around here. Let me guess, they climbed up in the new construction rafters and fell. Well better them than me.

P.S- Diary reminder-Next time humans leave, pull and tug on pant legs so I can go to. And look really cute. Almost always works.

Author: Nellie Bellie Baby D.

Lynnette Dewalt